Montana's Stark, Clear Skies
02/01/09 15:07 Filed in: Family
This was a reflection I wrote after arriving in Montana in January. I wrote about what I was feeling at the time and about the people around me. My family -- like every other family in the world -- has its dysfunctions, but we are all good people. And, most importantly to me, we’re all trying to do our best. I love my family, they’re good people.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Montana is starkly beautiful; like a minimalist rendition of nature. It is not lush like my Oregon. It is not warm and comforting. But there is beauty here. Most of all there is beauty in the family I am with. My family.
I am at once drawn to these people and at the same time I recognize how different I am from these people with whom I share a common genetic destiny. Nature and environment have conspired, it seems, to create in me a level of intellectual curiosity, tastes, and predilections that separate me from my family more than is typical. Shaun, my father, and nephew share so much more in common with one another than I can ever share with them.
Kyle, my nephew, is a wonderful boy; quickly becoming a man. It is, ironically, with him that I may share more in common than I ever expected to find with someone in my family. He is the product of a teenage sexual encounter between his parents. My brother and his mother were 16 years old at the time, the same age as my own parents. He has had a rough time being separated from his father as his has grown. Unlike my childhood, however, his father is with a stepmother who is awful to him, adding to his emotional difficulties.
However, Kyle is remarkably circumspect about the situation. For a child of his age, he is a remarkably insightful. I am forced to wonder if a childhood of pain is the natural force that can create in children a lasting psychological acumen and insight. I feel that we both share that ability. Given our mutually difficult childhoods, I am forced to wonder how much that upbringing has given that ability.
Kyle also is much smarter than he lets on. I sense that he has been beaten down by the authority figures in his life. He is self-deprecating and gives himself little credit for things. But he clearly has a sharp mind. It is his injured self-esteem that I suspect is the source of his lack of motivation to apply himself to his studies in school. I don’t think that it helps that he is being given his education in the Filer School District; a place better suited to creating Four-H contestants than intellectual development in its children.
I am hopeful that the gift of my MacBook to him for Christmas will motivate him and engage his intellectual curiosity. But I also have no illusions. My influence is minimal, at best, and will continue to be so given the distance between us physically. But we’ll see. Cody seems to genuinely care for Kyle and is closer. Perhaps through Cody’s influence his mind can find outlet and as a result his self-esteem. I would hate to see Kyle’s potential wasted or delayed.
Kyle’s similarities, however, stop there. He very much embraces the life of the rural lower-class from which we come. He loves the outdoors, loves hunting and fishing, and loves the bawdy humor and rough play that his father, uncle Shaun, and grandpa are culturally socialized to. I think that it is here that Kyle finds solace. It is in the outdoors with those who love him most that he feels free and, most importantly, free of judgments.
I have historically been uncomfortable with the ways of my immediate family. As stated, my tastes and places of solace are much different. But as I have aged, I have found joy in the comfort my family finds in the pursuits that they love. I have found joy in simply their company and conversation. There is a simplicity that is both admirable and freeing. I can see why Kyle is so happy when he is here.
A weight lifts from my shoulders when I take these trips to my family. The existential angst that I live with in my mind never seems to abate when I’m living my normal life. My mind will not free me from the chains of those thoughts of life’s meaning and inevitable destruction. But here, for a moment at least, I am free and at peace. That is worth much.
Shaun is a pure heart and soul. He is only full of love for those he calls family. I truly love him. I wished we’d known each other more when we were children, but now we are making up for lost time. I hope nothing interrupts our growing relationship as brothers (like the economy). It’s so funny that we can even have a conversation. He is 180 degrees the opposite of me, and yet I would do anything for him. I would gladly give my life to save his. His is a heart so worth saving that I would not hesitate a moment to save him.
His wife, Melissa, is also a warm soul. She has a sharper mind than you might expect. I don’t think she ever cared to cultivate that mind. Because I think that Melissa craved in life the same thing that Shaun has sought: simplicity and the love of family. That’s all that matters to both of them and why I think that they have been together for so long. Not having known Melissa well, I am guessing here, but I think that this explanation is not far off.
Dad is dad and I have written more than I think is necessary in this life, so we’ll just leave it at that.
Cody is my intellectual equal and shares the goal driven life that I do. We are definitely different kinds of people, but out of my relatives on my father’s side of the family we share the most in common. He is pre-occupied with feelings of worthlessness as is his sister. I am deeply bothered by this. No matter what I’ve suggested or imagined as a solution for his heart, nothing seems to unencumber him or his sister. I’ve never seen a pair of children so affected by the death of a father they never knew. Frankly, they were probably better off without their biological father who was abusive to Travis (causing his stutter) and their mother. But in the mind and heart of children subtracting the most important relationship of their life -- that with their father -- is more destructive than I could have imagined.
It’s amazing how some suffering in life -- Kyle’s for example -- can produce abilities like psychological insight and how in others’ lives -- Cody and Jenifer’s -- can produce emotional debilitation.
Cody does not recognize how worthwhile he is and how blessed his life has become. Cody does not find meaning in his existence; which is sad in the extreme. His public face of self-deprecating confidence and jovial skill is total bullshit. He doesn’t believe his own mask. I hope that somehow he can. Because Cody, like Kyle and Shaun, has a heart of love and honor. He would not only be a wonderful father, but a wonderful teacher and community leader. But he doesn’t know that.
Ironically, I believe if he could find the way to embrace that about himself the meaning he’s sought for his life would appear with no further effort. Perhaps the birth of his first children will ignite that in him, but I hope he finds it sooner. I will continue to give him the support that I can, but he must make the journey.
It is snowy and cold today. It is a stark Montana morning. And I am at peace and hopeful for my family. At this moment, at this time, in this place I own my life and live my life free of questions about its meaning. Today I am happy and at peace. Today I live with these people with whom I share more than just a genetic destiny. Today I live with the people who give my life meaning.
Montana is starkly beautiful; like a minimalist rendition of nature. It is not lush like my Oregon. It is not warm and comforting. But there is beauty here. Most of all there is beauty in the family I am with. My family.I am at once drawn to these people and at the same time I recognize how different I am from these people with whom I share a common genetic destiny. Nature and environment have conspired, it seems, to create in me a level of intellectual curiosity, tastes, and predilections that separate me from my family more than is typical. Shaun, my father, and nephew share so much more in common with one another than I can ever share with them.
Kyle, my nephew, is a wonderful boy; quickly becoming a man. It is, ironically, with him that I may share more in common than I ever expected to find with someone in my family. He is the product of a teenage sexual encounter between his parents. My brother and his mother were 16 years old at the time, the same age as my own parents. He has had a rough time being separated from his father as his has grown. Unlike my childhood, however, his father is with a stepmother who is awful to him, adding to his emotional difficulties.
However, Kyle is remarkably circumspect about the situation. For a child of his age, he is a remarkably insightful. I am forced to wonder if a childhood of pain is the natural force that can create in children a lasting psychological acumen and insight. I feel that we both share that ability. Given our mutually difficult childhoods, I am forced to wonder how much that upbringing has given that ability.
Kyle also is much smarter than he lets on. I sense that he has been beaten down by the authority figures in his life. He is self-deprecating and gives himself little credit for things. But he clearly has a sharp mind. It is his injured self-esteem that I suspect is the source of his lack of motivation to apply himself to his studies in school. I don’t think that it helps that he is being given his education in the Filer School District; a place better suited to creating Four-H contestants than intellectual development in its children.
I am hopeful that the gift of my MacBook to him for Christmas will motivate him and engage his intellectual curiosity. But I also have no illusions. My influence is minimal, at best, and will continue to be so given the distance between us physically. But we’ll see. Cody seems to genuinely care for Kyle and is closer. Perhaps through Cody’s influence his mind can find outlet and as a result his self-esteem. I would hate to see Kyle’s potential wasted or delayed.
Kyle’s similarities, however, stop there. He very much embraces the life of the rural lower-class from which we come. He loves the outdoors, loves hunting and fishing, and loves the bawdy humor and rough play that his father, uncle Shaun, and grandpa are culturally socialized to. I think that it is here that Kyle finds solace. It is in the outdoors with those who love him most that he feels free and, most importantly, free of judgments.
I have historically been uncomfortable with the ways of my immediate family. As stated, my tastes and places of solace are much different. But as I have aged, I have found joy in the comfort my family finds in the pursuits that they love. I have found joy in simply their company and conversation. There is a simplicity that is both admirable and freeing. I can see why Kyle is so happy when he is here.
A weight lifts from my shoulders when I take these trips to my family. The existential angst that I live with in my mind never seems to abate when I’m living my normal life. My mind will not free me from the chains of those thoughts of life’s meaning and inevitable destruction. But here, for a moment at least, I am free and at peace. That is worth much.
Shaun is a pure heart and soul. He is only full of love for those he calls family. I truly love him. I wished we’d known each other more when we were children, but now we are making up for lost time. I hope nothing interrupts our growing relationship as brothers (like the economy). It’s so funny that we can even have a conversation. He is 180 degrees the opposite of me, and yet I would do anything for him. I would gladly give my life to save his. His is a heart so worth saving that I would not hesitate a moment to save him.
His wife, Melissa, is also a warm soul. She has a sharper mind than you might expect. I don’t think she ever cared to cultivate that mind. Because I think that Melissa craved in life the same thing that Shaun has sought: simplicity and the love of family. That’s all that matters to both of them and why I think that they have been together for so long. Not having known Melissa well, I am guessing here, but I think that this explanation is not far off.
Dad is dad and I have written more than I think is necessary in this life, so we’ll just leave it at that.
Cody is my intellectual equal and shares the goal driven life that I do. We are definitely different kinds of people, but out of my relatives on my father’s side of the family we share the most in common. He is pre-occupied with feelings of worthlessness as is his sister. I am deeply bothered by this. No matter what I’ve suggested or imagined as a solution for his heart, nothing seems to unencumber him or his sister. I’ve never seen a pair of children so affected by the death of a father they never knew. Frankly, they were probably better off without their biological father who was abusive to Travis (causing his stutter) and their mother. But in the mind and heart of children subtracting the most important relationship of their life -- that with their father -- is more destructive than I could have imagined.
It’s amazing how some suffering in life -- Kyle’s for example -- can produce abilities like psychological insight and how in others’ lives -- Cody and Jenifer’s -- can produce emotional debilitation.
Cody does not recognize how worthwhile he is and how blessed his life has become. Cody does not find meaning in his existence; which is sad in the extreme. His public face of self-deprecating confidence and jovial skill is total bullshit. He doesn’t believe his own mask. I hope that somehow he can. Because Cody, like Kyle and Shaun, has a heart of love and honor. He would not only be a wonderful father, but a wonderful teacher and community leader. But he doesn’t know that.
Ironically, I believe if he could find the way to embrace that about himself the meaning he’s sought for his life would appear with no further effort. Perhaps the birth of his first children will ignite that in him, but I hope he finds it sooner. I will continue to give him the support that I can, but he must make the journey.
It is snowy and cold today. It is a stark Montana morning. And I am at peace and hopeful for my family. At this moment, at this time, in this place I own my life and live my life free of questions about its meaning. Today I am happy and at peace. Today I live with these people with whom I share more than just a genetic destiny. Today I live with the people who give my life meaning.
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